A new baby will change the life of everyone in the family – but at least you know what to expect! Your toddler doesn’t! The reality of this shift in Mum & Dad’s attention is felt as a loss. They will feel grief, sadness, anger and most of all fear that they have lost their parent’s love. You will not see this, you will see irritating behaviours (as only our toddlers can do!), mood swings and sometimes aggression. Be prepared for this! Your toddler’s behaviours will push your buttons, but this is an emotional crisis they are going through and they need your reassurance and love even more – after you have taken a deep breath!
Encourage Your Toddlers to Express Their Feelings
When toddlers act out with the baby – kissing, hugging, patting too hard – calmly and confidently say “I’m not going to let you ….. “, and then ask matter-of-factly “Are you feeling rough towards the baby right now? Are you feeling upset that the baby’s here? That’s ok, big sisters often feel that way. I’d love you to sit on the couch beside me and I can help you kiss/hug/pat the baby”
This may feel counterintuitive to suggest these feelings to your child (Whaaaat??? won’t this encourage her to feel negatively toward the baby?!). The truth is that the more you can openly accept and acknowledge feelings, the more space you will clear for your children to form a genuinely loving bond with their siblings.
Assure and Reassure Your Toddler That No One Could Ever Take Their Place
“You are my one and only Molly. No one could ever replace my Molly.” Encourage feelings of closeness and pride. Tell your older child how much the baby loves them and is looking forward to playing with them when baby can walk and talk. When the baby smiles at them, tell them how special baby thinks they is.
Involve Your Toddler
Help to bath the baby, select clothes
Acknowledge how proud you are and how much you and the baby loves their help
Baby Feeding Time
This is the great time when your clever toddler knows you are busy, and knows it’s the perfect time to annoy you and act up! Clever wee munchkins aren’t they?!
Prepare your toddler by saying you are now going to feed baby, and ask them if they would like to be your helper.
Create a special box with books, puzzles, songs, photo album of the toddler and family times that only exclusively comes out at feeding time. Things your toddler can play with, either alone or with you, as they sit beside you while you are feeding the baby.
Before you start feeding, set up the environment so that your older child can be near you, playing with their toys and interacting gently with you. Be available to talk, invent a story or even sing!
Special One-on-One Time
Create a special one-on-one time with your toddler, that happens consistently each day during the same time of your daily routine, so your child feels secure and loved as they know THEIR special time is coming up
It is all about quality, not quantity. 20mins each day, 1-2 times a day of undivided Mum-time. Turn your phone off, make yourself a cup of coffee prior to the special time, and eliminate all distractions.
Talk it up. Give it a name – Mum’s date time, Molly’s special time – and talk about it throughout the day, that you can’t wait for your special time and how you love hanging out with them.
Get Dad involved! You’ve survived leaving Dad alone with your toddler (lets face it, they don’t do things the way we would, but everyone survives!), so let Dad burb, bath, sleep baby so you can make a date with your toddler for special time.
It can be snuggles in bed at bedtime with a special book, a special bath each night, playing with your toddler once baby goes down for their first morning nap. It doesn’t have to be anything wonderous and stressful – it is time and undivided attention your toddler needs.
Allow Your Toddler to Protect Their Special Toys
Ahhhh! The delights of sibling scraps over toy ownership! It starts early!
Select the special toys to be put away safely that do not have to be shared, and select the toys that are ok to share. These could double up as the special toys for the daily special mum-time to be played with.
Create and decorate a special box together that these toys go into.
Your Toddler Will Regress
It is inevitable that you will see some regression in your toddler’s behaviours. Waking through the night again, wetting themselves (if out of nappies), not eating, playing baby themselves. Don’t be surprised at this behaviour and insist that the child must grow up. A little regression often helps a child transition towards acceptance and independence.
Happy Hints!
A baby front pack is the best thing to be there for both your children. Baby is snuggled and asleep on you, and you can still walk, play with your toddler.
The best way to prepare for a change to the family routine is to firmly establish existing routines and rituals – that will help older siblings feel more secure.
Quality one-on-one, Mum date time with your toddler as part of your daily routine